life sucks sometimes you know.

allot is going on with me.. and here is a place for me to stupidly vent

i don't know if the guy i love really loves me back and is just afraid to hurt me because they do really care and just you know don't want to be the cause of my pain or that he really does love e but it's just cause of our confusing relationshipness...

like he's pretty nice to me when we're alone.. even though he's also pretty distance too. But when we're with people he burns me allot with jokes and i mean i can take a good hand full of them but some are a bit too hurt full cause well they're coming from him and it burns twice as much.. and when some one is burning me with jokes and it's starting to bug me and i cant do anything really cause I'm not much of a lash back burner to defend myself... he kinda leaves me hanging... he use to tell them to back off when i was being overly bugged... i dunno... it's bothering me and i want to talk to him.. so i understand what he's feeling and understand wither I'm right or what others are saying about him... cause i don't think he's doing what he use to do a while back but i don't know and it's driving me nuts.... -crys- there's my small complaint for now... even if it's probably bigger then a small complaint.

-sighs- ugh

So I have no idea what happened... it wasnt my fault and appreantly had nothing to do with me but my mom got frustrated in mid conversation of saying something to me as I was pressing submit on a post because we only have so much time at this internet cafe. And I asked what and she and I just get into an argument... and I am still confused why she was... I heard her many times but there are pieces missing... still and i'm getting pissed off because she's not hearing me... or i dunno. I just want to understand cause when i dont I get confused more and it rattles around in my head for hours to days... and ugh it makes me mad... and I do feel it has sometihng to do with me or rather connected to me but I dunno... So i dropped it but I would like to know why she had to get all frustrated in the first place ... but maybe it was all coinwincental.... I know that i cant spell right X_x....
But eck... oh well it'll go away eventually

Long time.. Really Long time

So it's been a long time since I've posted last. O_o... Alot has happened to me. I have graduated from Highschool XD yes!
I live on Vancouver island. I take care of my grandmother's meds, was working a small restuarnt... sadly I got fired... I got a new mp3 player for 44$ and it's almost like an ipod and it's cute XD. Looking for a new job and might work at this hotel place which is what my mom says a dumpyish place but it might accept us. XD lol I had a boyfriend again but he and I are good friends right now. Yes I know i am giving a very SHORT detail of my absense X_x
I'm on medication for depression but it's working so I feel less down in the dumps all the time and can pick myself back up alot better then i use to. Maybe come January otherwise next September I am going back to school ^______^
So yeah thats my catch-you-up of my life. Lol. oh and me and my gal cuosin... arent on best of terms but she was nice to me when i was really pissed off at a now ex friend cause he was being an asshole.
But yeah thats all XD for now

Alone

Well I need to get my words out and now I have no one to confide in even if people say I have them to. In truth yes I do have many people but not where I'm comfortable to just say how I feel and not feel worse in the end. And I was starting to get better with my boyfriend because I didn't feel so much guilt because he was telling me he wanted to be there he wanted to help and I did trust him I did... I was just confussed worried and messed up in my head so I just didn't bother.

But now that's gone... we're no more... And what hurts the most he likes the one girl I despise the one girl who took my best friend away from me and now him... and I've lost him... and now I don't know what to do.. I might as well be dead or just live until I die alone.. I mean I've made my mistakes and so has he. but he made feel he made me feel more confidant I trusted him with everything..and not just mentally... Cause I have this phyiscal issue and he was the only one who could break through that barrier where I didn't feel disgusted and dirty and where I wanted to get the feeling off me... as much as that feeling was never to releviant till lately he did break that barrier before it got to what it feels like now...

I want to say so much but what point would there be... he's gone, we're history and as much as it disgusts me that he doesn't me anymore because he is confused and now has feelings for my enemy... I can not say that I wish him good luck and if it's not her then I hope he's happy with some one else... for I've always wanted him to be happy

and in truth i wasn't good enough for him, I wasn't enough, at least now he'll be able to find some one and be with someone that hopefully his family will approve and not bother them so much...

I love you Teddie.. with all my heart, You were the only one person in my entire life who could make me feel the most with every emotion, good or bad, and it's a good thing... I hope you end up happy <3

~Autumn

I'm Back

hey I'm back. yeah I know a really long time since i last posted right?

Okay so here it is. I am now eighteen! Yay me XD
My birthday was yesterday (January 9th!) so yeah =3 went to go see Sweeny Todd with my mom, that was fun... except I had two complaints about that movie. A bit too much singing for a musical and well the gore was something that made me nasuiated.. even still after the movie ended... X.x;;
I had my birthday party over christmas break and it was alot of fun =D my boyfriend.. who yes I had broken up with which i sadly regret doing so. but we are now back together which is really good ^___^ and makes me happy cause I do truely love him to bits and pieces and holes and wholes and such =D <3 I love you teddie! ( I figure he'll read this at one point XD )

My christmas was also awesome, considering I was with my relitaves and we manged not to kill each other which was a plus XD. I got myself a portable DvD player =D which is awesome since I can watch movies now on fridays for school. ( I had the money and stuff... and wanted it for uses like these plus trips X.x;;) anyways I can't this friday cause I got a scuplture project due that I thought I would have more time for... but sadly no... I ... do not v_v;; so I need all of tomorrow to really get it finished D= if I can...X.x;; hopefully I will TwT...

also I got wild hogs for my b-day and about ten manga's for my b-day =D my friend bought me four mangas XD unfortunatly she did not know I had three out of the four v_v oh well XD I'll have collectables for Princess Ai =D. And she gave me another that I can't remember the name D=. Then my other friend gave me a fifty dollar gift card to indigo =D and I bought myself four more manga's and then my bf bought me two more XD so that was awesome tee hee. I also got two bears for this christmas =D, one from my half sistas which was a huge white one XD and a small ty one from grandad and katherine =D it was cute! plus a teddy bear store puzzle ^_____^ which is cuuute too!

Oh and I got a new outfit. =D mom picked it out and did a really REALLY good job of it XD I was some what surprised. lol

all in all my vacation was great... and forgot to do some homework and didn't like the black out we had D= this is the what second birthday in a row that has happened at my house DX it scares me... deeply X.x... thank god for the camping flash light I got for christmas..... XD

and OH! my cousin Danny finally asked his girlfriend to finally marry him on christmas morning =D it was awesome XD and so sweet/ funny ( but you would have to be there and be family to know =D or know the family to see why =3 lol! )

SO LONG!!

Well It's been a while and I did write something really long! to update... but no the stupid thing deleted itself and saved itself -_- bastards i say
well anyways I named my guinea if anyone forgot, his name is Lannex (still don't know the actuall gender yet >

In art i got the highest mark in the class which I am very proud of since thats a first since LAC back in eighth or nineth grade =3. My teacher is even showing some of the other teachers my work ^_^ like my writing 12's teacher who also likes my writing and thinks it's unquie ^__^ I also got an A in her class!

The rest of my grades are a B in Digital media (little surprised about that since I mostly played games with my friend >.>;; ) and a B in LAC -_- bitch teacher giving me the lame excuse cause I never went to her it was to be evil since of our dispute one day since she was offensive to me and I snapped because of all the pressure i'm under and she went all high and mighty and stuff and then threatened to kick my partners out (said they were my friends which they are but they are nice people just not my friends) and then was pushing in my face how one of them was soo nice and did that a few times blech -_- (don't blame the person just my teacher rwar)

then I got a C+ in dance which is awsome since this my first year taking dance XD it was a high C+ too! I got a C in English X.x not my best subject and just everything is hard for me D=;; and I still got my awsome english teacher from last year too TwT oh well next term will be better.

and then a C- in Planning -_- hate planning.

uhm my friend came to visit me a work yesterday which I was happy he did, but he had two of his other friends with him X.x;; didn't exactly want that but oh well they were amusing, I got a cut on my finger cause my friend and I tripped as he was trying to stop me from walking away D= I just wanted him to follow me and not leave TwT and then we tripped into the toy ile and i cut my finger on one of the price thingys TwT sharp little buggers they are.

Then he left on a bad note and it pissed me off and then I got over mad and stuff and then we sort of faught and i broke down at work but my Boss Gordy was nice and just didn't say anything about me not getting much done like i should have same with Joe, we were all having a bad night <3>

well at least kirby and joe are on my side. =D

But last night wasn't a good night for me... oh well

but I am mad at that friend now and a little at another friend and hurt by another and well there are two more things I wanted to mention but I'll do that tomorrow in Digital Media cause It's late and I need to go to sleep <3

Night all